A night of worry.
It’s turned midnight on a Saturday evening, rolling into Sunday morning and I’m stuck in the office facing several more hours of work. The human body isn’t meant to function at this hour (although after the birth of the baby I expect it will be forced to do so on a regular basis), and so my mind is in overdrive. I started this blog as a platform for emptying my mind of it’s thoughts and worries that aren’t always as easy to openly communicate, and tonight, even if no one listens, I’m going to express myself.
These are happy months. The birth of our first son is hugely anticipated and seen as nothing short of a positive miracle. Why then are they times that are so worrying? What am I worrying about? The list is endless.
Will I bond with my baby? With Mother staying at home and caring for little man, and Dad working long and tiring shifts, will I get the chance to bond and connect on the same emotional level with my Son? Will I be able to balance my work life with my new family? Will nature really just take over? Will I just become marginalised when it comes to matters of ‘mum and baby’? I know the type of father I want to be, but how on earth do I work at achieving that?
Can I afford all of these baby related expenses?! On one salary? I read today that is costs on average £222,000 to raise a child to the age of 18. They don’t even start further education until they’re 18!
How do I care for this little guy that will depend wholly on me and my wife? Changing nappies, soothing, feeding, bathing and teaching are uncharted territory for me. Worse – what if people make me feel all the more useless and start telling me how to do those things, or that I’m doing them wrong?
Will I feel like a third wheel in my own family? Is it selfish to wonder if Dad will be Dad and forgotten as a Husband as the baby takes centre stage? Will I myself remember to be a Husband as well as figuring out how to be a Dad?
What about my friends? Is it selfish to even consider worrying about what may happen to my social life?
Question after question running through my mind at such an unsociable hour. Excuse the deep, dark maze known as my head that you have found yourselves invited into... I warned you this was an experiment from week one. I hope this feeling passes. I hope I step up to the plate. My worst fear is failure.